


I’ll Always Have Them

by thegreatficmaster



Series: Supernatural Collection [114]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Gen, Reader-Insert, Regret, Sad, Supportive Castiel (Supernatural), Supportive Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 04:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20270008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatficmaster/pseuds/thegreatficmaster
Summary: Sometimes, you just need to be alone and work through the thoughts that fill your mind. But for some reason, Cas, Dean and Sam don’t seem to be willing to let you deal with it yourself.





	I’ll Always Have Them

“Hey, y/n. You in there?”

You stayed silent, wishing Sam would just keep walking and leave you be.

It was once again that time of year.

Nothing special. No certain memories that always came back around this time of year. No traumatising events that you’d be reliving.

But for some reason, it was always around this time that you’d get that feeling.

That feeling of just being so done.

Done with life.

Done with hunting.

Done with everything.

Of course, that didn’t mean you thought of ending it.

It was just that feeling of wanting out, wishing everything was different, that you could have this overwhelming weight that someone had dropped onto your soul to lift away.

The questions kept swirling in your mind.

_‘Why me?’_

_‘Why can’t I have a normal life?’_

_‘What did I do to deserve this kind of life forced on me?’_

You often wondered if maybe you could get out.

These thoughts had been occurring for well over a decade now.

You had all that time to leave. To pack up and drive away from hunting, from monsters, from the Winchesters.

Find a good man. Someone who’d love you and put you first. Who’d treasure you and give you all the love no one else seemed to have for you.

But you never could do it and you knew deep down, you never would.

Not so much because ‘saving people, hunting things’, like Dean banged on about.

But more so because you were terrified of leaving.

This’d been your life since as long as you could remember.

The Winchesters had been there for more than half your life.

You just couldn’t bear to think about not seeing them again, of leaving them behind.

Yet, the thoughts were still present, even if you knew they’d never come true.

It wasn’t the ‘white picket fence’ like Dean loved to fantasize about. It wasn’t the pies, or the dogs, or all of that shit.

You just wanted normality.

You wanted to feel like a person.

Not a hunter. Not the one responsible for saving lives, or taking others that were deemed evil.

You didn’t want that burden.

Just for once, just for a while, you wanted to be a person.

Carefree.

Enjoying life.

Dancing around like a moron, or getting drunk just for the heck of it, instead of having to resort to grinding on dirty men when you needed a quick fuck and drinking for the sake of forgetting the shit you’d been through.

But how could that happen when just the thought of leaving the Winchesters terrified you?

So you’d stay nothing.

A few days holed up in your room, sobbing into your pillow, your brain going into overdrive at what could’ve been, before you shoved it all back down for the next year.

You knew it wasn’t healthy. But it was the way you coped with it all.

A good few days of breaking down, before you put on that mask, letting Dean get drunk off his ass before he’d come to your room, sitting beside you as he let the worries and guilt pour out, before you’d hold him close and calm him back down.

Or when you’d just be listening to Sam ramble about what his life might’ve been. Married to Jess. The law firm. Kids. Dogs. All of it.

You’d even urge Cas to talk to you, giving him your full support and love as he spoke about how much of a failure he was. To the Winchesters. To angels. To all of existence. That he’d failed everyone over and over.

You’d be the one to listen and comfort them when you could.

It was your job.

But these next few days, you wanted to be rid of them.

You had your own problems to deal with, you couldn’t listen to anymore of Dean’s whining about losing his mom. Or listen to Sam reminisce on a girl who’d been dead a decade. Or listen to an angel who was as old as the earth, yet cried like a child.

You knew your thoughts weren’t true. That wasn’t what they were. But in your grief and pain, you simply thought of their problems as nothing, needing to focus on yourself.

“Hey, Dean. You seen y/n today?”

Dean looked up from the laptop, shaking his head.

“Uh-not that I remember. Why?”

Sam sighed, sitting opposite his brother and running his hand through his hair.

“I feel like it’s all getting to y/n. Haven’t you noticed, this time every year, the bunker’s silent? No music. No laughing. No screaming at some show. Nothing. Just-silence”.

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but shut it when he realized Sam was right.

The bunker was huge. But you made it so lively with everything you did.

But now-it was silent. Drab and empty.

“I-I guess”, he stuttered, not sure how he never noticed this before.

“Well I’m gonna find out what’s wrong. Coming?”

“I don’t know, Cas. I just-just leave me alone”, you mumbled, burying your face under the covers as you tried to avoid Cas’ questions.

“Y/n. I can sense your distress. Please, let me help”.

You scoffed at him, turning around so your face peeked out.

“You want to help me? Leave me alone. Get out and don’t bother me until I’m ready”.

You watched as Cas’ face fell, nodding softly.

“I’m sorry, y/n. I’ll leave you alone”.

With a flutter of his wings, he left you alone in the room, feeling like the biggest piece of shit for making the sweetest angel you’d met, feel bad.

You groaned, staring up at the ceiling as tears streamed down the sides of your face, listening to Sam and Dean talking to Cas as he left, his voice filled with sadness.

Why the hell did have to snap at him when he was just trying to help?

You lied in bed for almost half an hour before you got up, realizing you had to find Cas and apologize.

“Cas? You here?”

You rounded the corner, walking into the kitchen to see it empty.

“Y/N! GET IN HERE!”

You shut your eyes, wanting to just go back to your room, but deciding it’d be best to see what Dean wanted.

Walking to the small room you’d turned into a makeshift living room, you saw Sam sat on the armchair, Dean and Cas on the larger couch.

“What do you want?” you sighed, Dean’s oversized sweater and baggy sweatpants keeping you warm and giving you something to play with, not wanting to see the disappointment you’d convinced yourself they had for you.

“Come sit”, Dean instructed, his words not leaving any room for argument.

You debated on just going back to your room, but you knew how unbearable Dean could be if he wanted to. So you walked over and sat beside him on the couch.

“Now-DISNEY MARATHON!”

Dean pulled out a dozen DVD’s, smiling widely at you, the excitement evident.

You knew deep down Dean had a love for the princesses and the magnificence of the movies. And you could also see the need he had to cheer you up.

You felt your heart warm at the concern he had for you.

Sam and Cas watched you, hoping you’d stay too.

They needed to see you smiling again.

“Maybe one movie”, you murmured, rushing over and climbing onto the couch.

It only took half an hour before you switched The Little Mermaid off and instead playing Disney Sing-Along Songs.

You were belting out the lyrics to Under The Sea, Kiss the Girl and Hakuna Matata, Dean belting along with you, while Sam and Cas watched.

“Sing with us, Sammy!”

You grabbed his hand, pulling him up as he chuckled lightly, before you all began dancing around, you grabbing Cas and making him dance with you.

You were so lost in your dancing and singing, you didn’t notice the boys staring at you.

They hated seeing you so down.

Although they had no idea what the problem was, no idea what to do to fix you, they all vowed they’d be there to support you.

After all you’d done for them, all the love and comfort you’d provided, they’d be here to help you through this.

But for right now, they’d provide a distraction, hopefully lift your spirits.

And Dean knew just how to do that.

“Hey, y/n!”

You stopped dancing, turning just in time for a handful of popcorn to fly in your direction.

“DEAN! NOT MY HAIR!” you screeched, running forward and tackling him to the ground as you began shoving popcorn into his mouth, the entire bunker full of Dean’s muffled pleas for help from Sam, your maniacal laughter and Sam and Dean’s chuckling as they watched you and Dean let yourselves go and completely enjoy yourselves, forgetting about all your problems just for a few hours.

But that few hours were what you’d come to cherish and think of when you needed to come out of the darkness that clouded your mind.

You’d simply think of the three men in your life who’d do anything to cheer you up and make you feel loved.

And that simple thought would help you get through the days you felt like giving up.

Because you had people you loved.

You had Dean, Sam and Cas.

You had your boys.


End file.
